The Sunset of Love

Renee love the spring time, the smell in the air, the blossoms poking up their heads from the frozen  earth and the birds singing.  It often reminded her of her favorite childhood movie, and she thought back to the little dear wandering in the forest, the wise old owl sitting in the tree high above answering questions about spring.  The owl had said that the creatures of the forest had become twitter patted.  She remembered that scene and the owl fondly, because it was spring and love was in the air for her.  She smiled as she imagined herself running through the woods laughing at everything and nothing for Renee knew that this was how she had felt from the first moment that she had laid eyes on Grady.

Grady had been outside of the norm for Renee, she had always chosen men that were career oriented, those that could offer financial stability for her, the tall dark and handsome man that would complement her tiny fair frame, but Grady was different.  He walked different, he talked different and he knew all the right words.  He had given Renee hope when she thought that all men were self-absorbed and self-aggrandizing, Grady had spoken the soft words of dreams of a life he had envisioned for them.  He quietly played music for her, telling her that he had penned the lyrics for her.  Grady was a poet, and he was music to Renee’s ears. 

The words that Grady had spoken to Renee were music to her ears, they were proof positive that love existed and the bond that they had between them could not be broken.  Their countless conversations and their fantasies carried them through the hard times, it gave them a sustenance that fed them and fueled their love.  He proved himself over and over again to her, showed her that he loved her and that they had a future because somewhere they had a past in another life.  A past that had kept them apart and even now when they were separated by miles he sensed her need for him, knew she was thinking about him and longing to fall into his arm.  He was just that kind of a man.

He was a man, more of a man than any Renee had ever known and every day she was a little more amazed by him, by his love and what he gave to her. Until Renee had met Grady she had only known men that were driven by success, by money and their stature in life, it was boring to her and it didn’t offer her the passion that she had always longed for deep in her heart.  He was not driven by any of the things that the other men she had known were driven by, because Grady, in his totality was driven by his heart.  She had listened carefully to his words, the things that he had said, the promises that he had made her and she knew that he wanted to give her everything that he was.  She watched as the tears flowed down his checks as he spoke of his love for her, their unity and what they would do together for the rest of their lives.  Renee knew that the courage that it took for him to express himself to expose himself to her made him the greatest man of all time, greater than she had even seen her own father whom she had adored. 

The smell of spring brought more hope into their relationship for it renewed them, it renewed their adventures and it gave them the opportunity to be where they wanted to be, in the high mountain plateaus of New Mexico.  They had traveled there, dreamed of living there and sharing a life together in a log cabin.  They had spoken of their art, their creations, of children and family. They had formed a bond over and in a place that was rich with culture and tradition and they both longed to be there, to start a life looking out over the multi-dimensional sunsets, to watch as the sunset upon the hills and glistened off the rocks forming a rainbow of colors that captivated the heart and the eye.

Tonight they sat together, hand in hand on an old Indian blank, one that they had purchased together at a flea market.  They watched as the sun began its long decent across the hills, they stared in amazement as the colors began to change and life began to stand still.  At that very moment when light no longer existed and darkness had yet to begin Grady stood up, an act that Renee thought odd for they always waited for the stars to shine their brightest before they began their trek home.  But he was different tonight, he seemed somewhat aloof, a side that Renee had never seen in Grady, he had always been so open and honest with her in a raw sort of way.  She was pensive as Grady stood there towering tall above her, not knowing what he would say or do.

Grady stood there for a moment, looking out on to the landscape, not uttering a word.  Renee watched him, glanced over his body looking for anything that she could find amiss, she saw his silhouette against the setting sun; he was striking with his broad shoulders and thin frame.  She thought about how attracted to his physical characteristics she was, his arms that held her, his face that contained the smile that lit her life on fire, the mouth that uttered the words that she longed to hear.  Renee thought about how many times the strength of his arms had wrapped around her, holding her, keeping her warm and letting her know that she was loved.

Finally, after what seemed to be an eternity, Grady reached out his hand to Renee, lifting her up off the blanket, pulling her into him.  It was a place where she felt comfortable and loved, it was her home in his arms tightly wrapped around her.  Grady gently kissed her neck and then her lips, he whispered into her ear that he loved her more than the sunset, more than the plateau, more than his dreams.  Renee felt the dampness of the tear running down her face as she pulled back and looked into his eyes.  She knew that this man, the man that held her in his arms this night was the only man that she would ever love, that would ever capture her in that way, the way that romance novels dictated, the way that fairy tales ended.  She knew that he was the only great love of her life and she knew, as she whispered back, that she would love no one ever the way she loved him at that moment.

It was then that Grady announced that he had a surprise for her and grabbed up their Indian blanket, shaking off the sand while he half-heartedly folded it.   He looked at her and told her that he would be eternally grateful if she accompanied him.  Without a moment of hesitation Renee grabbed her bag, slipped her hand into his as they headed towards his car.  She didn’t ask what the surprise was, she didn’t want to spoil it, but in her heart she ached for him to ask her to be his wife, to share the rest of his life with her.  She wanted that, more than anything to be a family and create life with him and through him.  Renee remained silent, her fear of the unknown washed away by her hand in his as they pulled away.

What seemed like an eternity to Renee was, in reality, only a short time.  They hadn’t driven far when Grady stopped the car, putting it into park and turning off the ignition.  Renee didn’t even have time to formulate or ask a question before Grady had run to her side and pulled the door open for her.  Holding out his hand to her, she grasped it and used it to give her leverage out of the vehicle.  They were standing in front of the most beautiful cabin she had ever seen and there were no questions coming from her lips for she was in such awe, the landscape, the cabin, all of it was just as they had spoken about.  It was, in fact, their dream, a dream they shared together and it was just as they had imagined.

Grady took Renee’s hand as he walked her up the steps to the front door of the cabin.  He held it tightly as she seemed to be in a trance of sorts, unable to put one foot in front of the other.  He gently out his hand into his pocket, and pulled it out, contained in his hand was a key, a key to the door that stood in front of them.  He handed the key to Renee and told her to go ahead and open it.  She looked at him in a sort of disbelief as she took the key from his hand and inserted it into the lock.  With one swift turn and a twist of the knob the door to the cabin swung open revealing every conversation the two of them had ever had.  The art work, the furniture, the kitchen; it was all as they had imagined; it was all they had talked about.  Grady took Renee’s hand one more time as he led her into the kitchen.

There on the counter was a bottle of champagne chilling to perfection, a box and an envelope.  Grady reached for the box as he dropped to one knee and opened it.  Inside was the most beautiful sapphire ring that Renee had ever seen, and her hand went to her mouth, she didn’t know what to do except wait for Grady to utter the question, would she marry him.  It didn’t take Renee a single second to answer him, for she knew this was what she had longed for and her response would always have been a resounding yes.  And when she did respond, he lifted her into him, kissed her gently and told her that he was sorry for the wait, but that he needed to make all her dreams come true first.  With that, he reached for the envelope that lay on the counter and said, welcome home my love, this is our dream.

 

Thanks to Shane Alexander for the music and in part for the inspiration.

 

Sara's Thoughts

 

 

Sara often found herself deep in her own thoughts; it was like a well for her, deep and dark; sometimes flooded with emotions. Emotions that made her feel as if she was tirelessly treading water, unable to rest or catch her breath. At times she felt as though there was no escape from her them or the pain that went ran along the deepest recesses of her mind.  She felt as if she was doomed to forever reside within the well of her head.

 

Sara wondered if she had done the right things in life, if her choices were as pure as she believed they were. She had always tried to do the right things, gave up the things she wanted and acquiesced to the demands of others and their needs. It was in part these actions that now sent her to her own thoughts, her own questions and her realization that thinking really gave her no answers and yet she stayed there in the well of her own thoughts; mired in treading water and in deep pain.

 

Sara prayed for relief to see the sun and to feel its warmth. She wanted to soar like a bird, high among the clouds to feel that sort of unrelenting freedom but the walls inside the well of her thoughts were covered in dark silt. Each time that Sara tried to scale the walls she would find her hands slipping on the silt, unable to get a hand hold that would lift her out of her thoughts, out of the darkness and into the light. The sun seemed so distant to her and yet each day she could feel its warmth beating down upon her, beckoning her to try harder to escape her own darkness.

 

She needed to escape her thoughts, how she questioned everything, the words of those that claimed to love her, the feelings of wanting to cry and the urge to scream. Yet, Sara didn't know how to have people listen to her, how to get them to understand who she was deep inside even when she tried as hard as she could. She knew that this frustration lent itself to her retreating into the well of her brain. It was safe there, quiet and isolated from the hurt and pain she had known in her life and she was comfortable in the stillness of her thoughts. Sara liked the safety of her thoughts for she understood them better than anyone ever understood her. The thoughts to Sara were like a security blanket that covered her, they were hers and hers alone and she didn't feel the need to share them with anyone for she knew that even if they listened they couldn't understand.

 

It was that knowledge and understanding that kept Sara within herself. No one could rescue her and yet she remained hopeful that the one person she needed most would someday understand and accept her. That he would stand tall in the sun above, hear her thoughts and drop down the life line of love and inspiration that would assist her in coming out from the abyss into the light. She needed that, she needed him to be there and to hear her and so she waited.

 

Her wait seemed as endless as the images that ran through her head, they were all on a loop that circled and circled in and around her.  At times her thoughts seemed cartoonish, filled with lavish colors and a multitude of characters.  Her tenuous periods of waiting reminding her of a clock who’s minute hand turned at rapid speeds, just flitting out of control.  She wished many times that she could pull the batteries from the clock, to end the wait and she wanted desperately to cut the loop on her thoughts.  Sara didn’t have the energy to do either and so she sat and she waited, waited for him.

 

A moment turned to hours and hours into days, she called out to him silently with each breath that she could muster up.  He didn’t respond, he couldn’t respond for he could not climb into her head, into her thoughts and even though her thoughts were about him, about her past and about the time that they shared and he was always there it was as if he too was intrinsically intertwined with them and could not escape.  How could he help her, throw her a life line when she kept him a prisoner in her mind, Sara knew that she couldn’t keep him there and that she could not allow him to be suffocated alongside her in the deepness of the well which were only her thoughts.

 

She laid down that last night, clinging to her memories, knowing that they were hers and that she needed to set them free.  She counted, one number after another, a ritual that she found helped lull her to sleep, but this time the numbers were different.  This time the meanings that Sara had assigned to them were of the days that she had been alone, silent in her thoughts.  She counted and she recounted the days, the nights and the hours and with each increment she realized that each of her days, each of her moments were filled with more thoughts and memories of him, of her love for him and despite her hurt and her pain she knew that only he could pull them out of the darkness, out of the silt and mess that had been created in her head.

 

And as sleep approached her, as the numbers began to lull her into slumber, she reached over and placed her hand upon his stomach as she had done so many times before.  She heard his breathing and felt his heart beating within his chest.  For the first time in months Sara had a sense of comfort as she laid there feeling so much love for him.  For in this dream, for in this moment in time he was there beside her, loving her as much as she loved him, even if it was not reality and only a dream that floated in the deep recesses of the well which were her thoughts.

 

Thanks to Brent Shuttleworth for the music.

 

The Wings Of A Butterfly

Mary had always been a trusting soul, she trusted everyone around her and strangers she just bumped into. It was worrisome for those that loved her because they saw her get hurt over and over again. It really didn't matter to Mary that she was hurt or disappointed in those that she granted her trust to for she was able to rationalize it in her mind and continued to smile.

 

Every day was a new day in Mary's mind, she was optimistic and sure that life would bring her the richness of friends, love and respect. Her friends thought of her as a butterfly, beautiful, graceful and inspiring. She was always positive and sure and she spread that attitude among her friends, just as the butterfly spreads pollen among the flowers in the garden. And, just as the butterfly was drawn to the flowers, her friends were drawn to her. They knew that, even when they had let her down, she would be there to make them smile.

 

No one knew just why Mary was so trusting, how she could find the resolve to trust so deeply and care so much. Mary's life had been hard on her, she had been tragically hurt by those that she had trusted. And though the scars that she had were not visible to the naked eye, they were there and they ran through the fiber of her being as if they were what held her together, helped her to stand, see and function. Everyone thought that her hurt would have made her bitter, withdrawn and mistrust, but it was just the opposite for Mary.

 

She was the Butterfly, full of energy, color and purpose. She looked for the good in everyone, and even when a moment of doubt would creep into her mind, when she thought for that brief second that she could not trust she pushed it aside. She never gave into her doubt, even when the situation would arise that would allow her to verify she could trust, Mary would never take advantage of that opportunity. She was very pragmatic in her perspective and she never wavered, always feeling like to do so would make her untrustworthy herself.

 

So it was that Mary would find more hurt in her life, more pain than she ever knew possible.  That pain grew from her trust, and grew within her as a baby growing with the womb of its mother. The pain began a life of its own outside of Mary and within her, becoming noticeable in her face.

 

Mary's eyes took on a deep darkness; they were sullen in appearance and the dark circles under them made her look as if she had been cast in a "B" rated horror flick. She seemed drawn and tired, somewhat expressionless as her smile had all but faded away. Her friends didn't hear from her much anymore and the few that ran into her on the street couldn't help to notice how frail she had become. Her noticeably thin frame didn't glide any longer and it appeared that each step took a concerted effort on her part.

 

Yet, Mary would always force a half-hearted smile and tell her friends she was fine. Those that were self-absorbed accepted it and moved along with their lives, never the wiser to the pain that rested inside of Mary and she was content with that, with being alone in it all. She had, after all, been the one that had made everyone else smile. She was content with knowing that she had been there, been a good friend once upon a time.

 

What pained her now, at this moment in her life, was her own knowing that there was no one there for her, that she was truly alone. Her own parents were long ago gone from this world; her family so far away in miles and she was childless to boot. She had no one to talk to and so she shut herself off from the world both physically and emotionally, only doing the things she had to do to survive, and that was all she was doing.

 

Days turned to weeks and years before anyone realized that Mary had just disappeared from the face of the earth.  No one called her anymore, and there was never a knock upon her door. She had isolated herself within the dark abyss of her apartment. There was no job any longer, Mary had resigned months prior, and no one questioned her leaving, her boss had even suggested that her noticeable unhappiness was simple boredom with her daily tasks, that she needed a change.  She had managed to save enough money during her working days to survive for a long while, and had set up her bills for automatic payment. It was an action that allowed her, so she thought at the time, freedom not to worry and have more time for herself and her friends.

 

It wasn't until the money was gone and her automatic drafts began to be returned that one by one her utilities were turned off and her rent became past due. The landlord had left notices pinned to her door as if they were awards won in a race, one notice turned to two and then five before he himself began to wonder why he saw no lights or heard no movement within the apartment. Had this chipper little girl just left without telling him? It certainly wasn't the Mary he had known, and it was out of character for his longest tenant.

 

It took the landlord three days of consideration before he decided he would knock on the door one more time before he used his pass key to enter the apartment. As he approached the door he had a sense of foreboding that overwhelmed him, his hands clammy and his brow moist with sweat. He knocked lightly at the door at first and then as his anxiety rose within him a little harder. There was no answer, no sounds from within, just an unwelcoming stillness that frightened him.

 

He slipped the pass key from his pocket and placed it into the door lock. As he pushed open the door he reached for the light switch that would illuminate the darkened apartment. As it clicked into the upward position nothing happened, the apartment was blanketed in the still darkness of a cold winter's night. There was an overwhelming sense of doom that filled him as he reached into his pockets to grab his cell phone to use the flashlight on it to see what the darkness had hidden from him.  His hand trembling as he managed to clutch on to the mobile device.

 

For an instant he thought about using his phone to call the authorities, but for what, he didn't know that there was anything wrong in the apartment, he didn't know what hid from him in the darkness. The uncertainty gave him hope that all he would find was emptiness looming inside the walls, that Mary had just moved out  without notice. As he turned on the flashlight he saw Mary's furniture, and a tidy space without any signs of life. Only then did he try to reconcile within his mind that all was still right, she had just forgotten to pay the electric bill.  This was, after all, the way the apartment always appeared when he had the occasion to come in.

 

He moved further into the apartment, the flashlight guiding his way as the stench of rotting food began to fill his nostrils. The trash can was full, overflowing in fact, and he assumed now that Mary had left in a hurry, simply forgetting to empty the trash. He moved further into the apartment, this time wondering if someone might not have kidnapped Mary, taken her bright light with them. He thought about how he could not forgive himself for not checking in on her if someone had taken her, if she had been the victim of foul play.

 

As he walked into the bedroom he realized that he would never be able to forgive himself and tears began to fill his eyes. He thought about running, just calling the authorities, but he couldn't he was frozen in time and space for what he saw chilled him into disbelief. There upon the bed, in a beautiful flowered summer dress laid Mary. Dead flowers in vases surrounded her in the neatness of her room.  He thought about the ironic image that he was seeing, the flowered dress, the dead and wilted daisies and the butterfly that had been Mary.  The butterfly was gone and so were the flowers, for without her they too had died.  In the hand of the butterfly that laid across her chest was a piece of paper that he dare not touch, despite the fact that he knew she was gone, he could not approach her.

 

With tears flooding his eyes and grief ripping at his heart, he slowly backed out of the room, out of the apartment. As he reached the hallway he leaned against the wall and slid down to the floor, weeping uncontrollably now, his hands covering his face. He mustered the strength to dial 911 and sat there alternating between tears and silence as he tried to come to terms with what he had just witnessed. He knew that it would haunt him for the rest of his days.

 

The police arrived to find him still sitting on the floor. He attempted, as best as he could, to explain what he had just seen. There was no explanation, for he himself did not understand, he couldn't explain it, comprehend why such a light as what swelled inside of Mary had gone out. He just knew it was gone and somehow he felt responsible. He wouldn't understand, even when the police handed him the piece of paper that Mary had clutch to her breast.

 

It read, "Two years ago I was diagnosed with Stage 3 Breast Cancer. The doctors told me I wouldn't survive. As I walked through my own grief I realized that no one was there for me. I was alone and scared, my friends didn't ask what was wrong or reach out to me. The positive light inside began to go out and I knew that whatever happened to me it would happen alone, that I would go into the light through the darkness. If you are reading this now, know I am in a better place, surrounded by beauty, forgive yourself and forgive me for my pain was unbearable, my life tenuous."

 

At that moment he knew that he had failed as a human and that he had failed Mary and he knew that his failure wasn't one that he would suffer alone for all that knew Mary had failed her. He knew that she should not have been alone, and he wondered if the forgiveness that Mary had spoken of in her letter would ever come for him, for all those that she had known. And, in her final moments of life, he realized that Mary was still Mary, that she had put those that she had loved before herself and she had forgiven them in her darkest moment for she had always ridden on the wings of the butterfly.

"Silence in the darkness is not a comfort, it simply reminds us how alone we truly are"  (me 2013)

End Stage

Sarah’s heart felt heavy today, heavier than it had ever felt and the weight inside her was overwhelming.  It felt like winter inside her, a snow laden roof covering her spirit.  She wasn’t sure if she had the energy to face the day and wanted to climb back under the covers shielding herself from the pain and the chill inside her.  There would be no fire today, lit under her to carry her through the day, only pain and sadness.  The question was not how to deal with it, but if she could.

Time had not been nice to Sarah, it ticked away fast and harsh, each second of every moment now drowning out the sound of her own heart.  She knew it was beating, she could feel the pain of its pulse within her chest and yet she tried to ignore it and the warning signs that came with it.  She had been trying to do so since her youth, trying to understand why so much overwhelmed her, made her retreat into herself; she was never able to.  In those times she found comfort under the covers or under her bed when she was small enough to fit.  Crawling under the bed was no longer an option for her and yet she longed for the darkness, for the hardened wood floor beneath her bones.  She wanted her body to feel the pain that was in her heart.

Tony had packed his bags the night before, telling her that he was leaving as she walked through the door from work.  It had already been a stressful day, her boss was on her back and she was struggling to keep up with the tasks she had been assigned.  She felt as if she was losing her grip on reality and all that she had worked towards.  Tony’s announcement was just another stick to the pin cushion that had become her life.  One more painful prick, but this one was another one to her heart and one that she couldn’t bear.  She knew she loved him, that she always would, he had captured her heart and made the world a better place to be in, to breathe in.  He was tender with her in all the ways that mattered and he made her feel special.  She wasn’t sure what had happened and why he was leaving, she was blindsided by it all, by the look on his face. 

He had become stone cold towards her and she wasn’t sure why.  There had been times that they had argued, Tony had a temper and she was withdrawn at times, but she always thought that they had resolved things.  Sarah thought that at least until the next argument when the old issues would resurface, leaving her wondering if she was oblivious to the world, inadequate and ignorant.  Maybe she had always felt that way, inadequate and ignorant, maybe it stemmed from her youth, the times when her parents would argue and she couldn’t stop them, or maybe it was just what it was and she was too free with forgiveness and too easily convinced that she could be loved.  Still, his face had said it all, Tony didn’t need words, didn’t need to tell her that the love she thought she had found didn’t exist, for she saw it on his face.  Sarah knew then that she still loved him, and that to show that she needed to let him go for that was what he wanted and that was what Tony thought he needed to do in order to find happiness.  Sarah has always and only wanted Tony to be happy.

Sarah stood there, speechless and unable to catch herself.  Tony’s announcement was all of the words that needed to be said.  She knew that she couldn’t convince him to stay, that his mind was made up.  She just watched him, longing to put her arms around him, to have him hold her, for things to be the way they were in the beginning, but she knew that was not possible, that she couldn’t turn back the clock and make him love her like that again.  She knew that there would be no kiss good-bye this time, that there would be no hug or a proclamation of love.  Her longing would not be filled, her desires not quenched and her passion for this man extinguished as soon as he walked through the door.

She knew where he was going, he would be home, the place that had always been there for him.  He felt a comfort there and a sense of familiarity that she could never give him.  That house, his home was filled with memories that she couldn’t replace.  Love, she realized, was not a replacement for memories as strong as those.  It could not fill the gaps, or heal the wounds.  Sarah ran to the window and watched as he walked down the sidewalk, tears streaming down her face now as the taxi he had called pulled up.  The big yellow car was taking him away, to another place and time, a place that she could never go.  As she watched it pull away she saw the irony in it all, her struggles to find herself and to know true love.  He had been her sunshine, the bright spot in her life and now he was leaving in a big bright yellow car, taking with him her heart tucked away in one of his bags where it would remain hidden in the darkness forever.  Sarah wept at that moment, wept like she had never done before and she knew that life would never be the same.

"There is a beginning, a middle and an end to everything in life.  If we love fully, with every fiber in our being we will never be able to distinguish the parts of the whole." (me 2015)