Little Mary

She grew up in a house full of children, mostly girls, seven of them to be exact, she was the youngest of all the girls, to her it seemed her size had more to do with her age than anything else.  Yet, Little Mary, as her sisters called her, knew she was different in other ways too.  She never had the energy that her siblings had and so while they found activities outside to entertain themselves she would immerse herself in a book.  She always found solace, even as a nine-year-old she found the writings of Edgar Allen Poe, the darkness of them, suited to her disposition.

Little Mary was dark in her mood, she never understood that, why sometimes she would just want to cry.  There wasn’t really anything to cry over, no discernable reason for her sense of gloom.  It was just a part of her that she accepted and even though she felt love from those around her she didn’t feel lovable.  Little Mary saw herself as awkward, she didn’t have the grace of her older sisters, and despite her father thinking that finishing school would help her with her gait, it didn’t seem to work at all. 

But she did it for her dad, went through the process of trying to be the graceful swan.  Many times, while at finishing school, she would cry during her class because it overwhelmed her that she would lose her balance or feel out of breath.  One day, when her dad had picked her up, she asked him if she had to return and the response she received was not the one that she had desperately hoped for.  But her dad looked at her with concern that she had wanted to give up and asked her about the question.  Mary tried to explain to him that she didn’t want to disappoint him, but that she knew it would happen and that it was because being there made her feel ill.  She felt dizzy and sick to her stomach.

It wasn’t long until the stomach aches became almost unbearable for Little Mary and she didn’t feel like eating anything at all. She missed a lot of school and her parents thought that maybe someone was picking on her, making her feel bad about being there with the other children.  She had pulled away in finishing school and now from her elementary class.  After speaking with Little Mary’s teachers her parents became even more concerned about their child.  It was then that the parents that were there, day in and day out, learned that their child had been isolating herself during recess and never joined her friends for a game of tag or kickball.  Instead, Little Mary sat on the steps to the building, alone, book in hand.

One night as she laid in her bed reading her dad came into her room and sat on the edge of her bed stroking her long auburn hair.  He did that sometimes, and she knew she was safe, that her dad loved her.  He looked into the darkness of Mary’s eyes that night and asked if she was alright and it was as if those words opened the flood gates to a rising river.  As the tears rolled down her cheeks her dad cradled her in her arms, assuring her that what ever it was that it would be ok, he would fix it.

Mary knew that her dad couldn’t fix it, even as a child, a little lost girl, Mary knew that she was different and broken beyond repair.  She finally began to open up to her dad about the stomach pains, about how tired she was and how awful she felt all of the time.  Her dad lifted her up that night in his arms and carried her to his car, laying her in the back seat.  This time he knew, he saw the fear in his child’s face and he understood that what was happening to his child was serious and that he needed answers.

Mary’s parents sat in the room with her at the hospital as the doctor’s told them that so far, the tests had all come back normal, but that keeping Mary in the hospital for a few days to determine why her blood pressure was so low and why she was so thin was the best course of action.  Little Mary was scared, she wanted to go home, to be with her sisters and brothers, to lay in her own bed. 

It was days before Little Mary would be released from the hospital with no information for her parents as to the cause of her mysterious illness.  More importantly, the symptoms would linger on for years, coming and going like the seasons of change.  Her stints in the hospital would always result in one missed diagnosis after another.  There would be days during her teenage years that she wouldn’t know if she would be able to get through, survive the odd aches and pain, swallow food or even take the steps required to move through days that seemed like they wouldn’t end.

The end, that was what Little Mary thought she was facing day in and day out and many times she wanted it to end, permanently.  She wanted what she felt to stop, even if that meant that she would no longer see the people she loved.  Little Mary would sometimes wait pensively on the curb, thinking that all it would take for her to end her physical torment was to step out, just at the right moment, just when the car got close enough not to stop.  She never did it though she thought about it, she knew that her religion would see it as a sin, one that she could not come back from or seek penance for.  But she didn’t understand why she had to suffer, what loving God would make her endure it all.

As Mary became an adult, independent of her parents she seemed to be able to manage the symptoms a little better, even thinking that maybe whatever the ailment that she had as a child had been cured with her diagnosis of Asthma.  She hated the steroid medication that the doctors had given her, but she had gained a little weight, she had a little more energy, enough in fact that she had started dating, got married and had children.  For the first time in her life Mary thought she was normal and that in of itself made her happy.

The happiness didn’t last long, though there were several years of it, and when it ended Mary found herself right back where she had been in her youth, seeking comfort not in being a mother, but in her own world of books, of quiet moments and isolation.  Her children going from one sister to the other as she had bouts of hospitalizations.  Moments reflecting on the days she had wanted to step off the curb into oncoming traffic.  There were days when she couldn’t stand without falling, when her legs just wouldn’t carry her, and, on those days, she relied on her sisters to help her and help her care for her children.

Her parents were both gone, and her dad could no longer pick her up and place her gently in the seat of the car, he couldn’t seek out answers for her. The husband that she had brought children into the world with had decided that he was too young to be with someone that couldn’t enjoy life the way he wanted to.  Without her sisters Little Mary would have most certainly perished.

It was her sister that had found her that morning, unconscious, laying on the shower floor. Little Mary was just that, little again, weighing just eighty-seven pounds and her sister was shocked at the sight of her laying there, unaware and nearly dead.  As she called for an ambulance her sister dried her off and slipped a gown over her head, staying by Little Mary’s side until the medics had arrived.

As they lifted her from the floor they began feverously working to save her, starting IV lines, doing heart compressions and squeezing bags of fluid into her.  Little Mary began to faintly hear her sister’s voice calling to her, telling her to hang on, to be there for her children.  Mary listened to the words, trying to comprehend them, but she wasn’t sure that there were really words, that she was even alive.

It would be days before she realized that she was alive, that there were people standing by her bedside or that she had even made it to a hospital.  Her memory was foggy at best, and everything seemed hazy to her.  Mary, though awake really couldn’t focus on words or the tubes that ran into her body, tubes that kept her alive for the time, nor did she know who was there.  What seemed like a lifetime to those that loved her was just an instant to tiny Little Mary for the last of her memories was her going to take a shower, to get ready to lay on the couch like a little bird upon a perch.

When reality finally sank in and her life had begun to come into focus Mary knew that something horrible had happened to her, but she wasn’t sure what it had been, or why she somehow had felt at peace for the first time since she was a child.  She knew that she had spent some time with her parents, that her mother had told her that it was time for her to go home, that there wasn’t a place set at the table for her just yet.  She found that thought odd, for her mother had passed away long ago, she thought it had been just a dream, something from her imagination or the drugs that they must have given her.  She never asked her mother why she should go home, or to whom she was going home to, but her parents where both so beautiful, just as she had remembered them as a child, how they could have been so young in her imagination and yet she look they same. 

An elderly man, in his mid-70’s and dressed in the standard white hospital jacket, walked into Mary’s hospital room as she lay there thinking about her parents, missing them and attempting to fight back her tears. It was comforting to see the person in front of sporting a half smile as he read through the clip board attached to the bottom of her bed and yet somehow, she knew that he had something important to share with her, something that her mother had sent her home to hear.  The longer he stood there reading the more Little Mary felt the need to pull the blankets up tighter around her, as if she was wrapping her self up in her mother’s arms, her words and her comfort.

Finally, after what seemed a lifetime the man in the white coat spoke to her, his first words were nothing more than an introduction, his name was Dr. Ambarth and he was the Chief Endocrinologist on staff at the University Hospital.  Mary was confused, not certain how she had managed to get to a hospital so far away from her home and then he explained that she had been transported there by Life Flight when her regional hospital could not bring her back around, that she had been in intensive care for over two weeks, barely clinging to life.  It was all surreal to Mary, confusing and all she could think about at that moment were her children and where they were, who was caring for them, did they think she dead and never coming back?  Dr. Ambarth could see the confusion in Little Mary’s face and he smiled and assured her that she was going to be fine, that her family had been to see her almost everyday since her admission.  The wave of relief that had come over Mary at that moment in time, even though she didn’t fully understand yet, was immense and suddenly she could feel a physical change in herself that felt almost foreign.

Dr. Ambarth went on to tell Mary that she had been in complete adrenal failure when she had been admitted to the hospital, and that he believed, based upon the information provided to him by her sister, that she had adrenal issues all her life that had gone undiagnosed and that while she may have had some function of the gland the complete shut down almost killed her.  Mary was lucky he had told her, because not many people survived the ordeal she had just experienced.  Little Mary had many questions for Dr. Ambarth, but somehow, she knew that this was not the end, that she would survive and she knew that her mother had sent her home not because she didn’t love her but because she knew what Mary was about to learn, she knew that her daughter would finally be whole.

Tish's Tears

Tish’s skin felt raw, almost like she had remained in the sun way too long, there was a burning sensation to every inch of her body and yet she had not seen the sun in days.  She had buried herself in her little apartment, unwilling to even talk to her friends on the phone.  Her life had been turned upside down and she was trying her best to find a way, futile as it seemed at the moment, to deal with the new circumstances that surrounded her, the situation that had taken away her balance, keeping her from standing alone.

Always self-confident, full of grace and poised she was just a lump these days, a lump of raw emotion that called for tears to fall from her eyes with everything she saw around her.  Tish’s love for life was now replaced with her sense of mourning.  She knew that time would heal her, that the pain would ease, eventually she told herself, eventually this would pass and she would be so sad.  Yet, in the closed in walls of her apartment she saw him everywhere, she felt him in the kitchen as she washed her sole coffee cup, cried that there was now only one.  It saddened her to know that his cup would, just like her, never feel his lips again.  There would be no strong hand to hold it and the cup, like her just sat there.

Everything reminded her that she was alone and that she was sad, even the phone ringing.  While the sound of the ring would startle her and bring her back to reality, she didn’t like the reality in which she was living.  She had stopped even answering the phone, she didn’t want to talk to anyone, but every time the phone rang she heard his voice on the answering machine, she could feel him there and see how silly he could be.  The images stung her and caused her to shed more tears than she had thought humanly possible.  His voice had always made her melt, her heart picked up beats and brought a smile to her face, she missed it and though she knew she should change the greeting on the phone, she couldn’t let go of the only thing that she had left of him that was alive, the constant reminder of how silly he was.  He had been her life and now this was all she had left of him.

She missed every part of what her life had been just a few short weeks ago, their walks and bike rides, the singing and car dancing; she missed how he laughed at her and she at him.  They had a silly, yet enduring love, the type of love that is joyful and fulfilling.  Every day they found something to laugh about or at and even when things were serious he tried to make her smile; today however she felt so serious and there were no smiles, no joy and no laughter, for without him she couldn’t find it.  He was gone and his arms were not there to hold her, reach under her shirt and find that spot that he only knew about, the one that made her jump and laugh.  Only he knew that spot, just like only he knew how to kiss her, make her feel his whole body through a simple gently placed kiss.

It was another thing that she missed, his kisses.  He had kissed her with such reckless abandon that it would make her stand up on her tip toes as if she was trying harder to reach his lips, to feel him closer.  He had kissed her like that on their wedding day, in front of a whole church full of people, it was a long hard kiss and she found herself that day hanging on to it, to him for longer than she should; and as the crowd clapped she was oblivious to them, to everything in the world but him.  It was their day, yet a day that they decided to share with friends and family.  She had wanted to simply run away and get married on a beach in private but he would not allow it; wanting instead to share the way he felt about her with the world.  Despite her reservations about a large wedding she had relented and given in to him and in the end she was glad that she did, glad that there was a picture of that moment between them, and even looking at it she could feel that kiss, feel him next to her, pulling her into him as if on that one day they had begun to be one human being together.

Tish found herself wondering where he was now, what had become of him, of his spirit.  Was he living within her, was he watching over her and guiding her or was he in a vacuum in space someplace.  She had many questions that she could not answer, many feelings that she could not justify.  He had given her so much in her life, they had created more together than she ever had imagined.  She knew in her heart that he would want her to focus on that, to see through the biggest thing that they, together through their love and passion, had created.  She knew that life would continue without him, even though barely able to deal with that prospect, she knew it to be the truth and to be fact.

So it was that Tish looked across the kitchen at the child, their son, eating his pancakes.  That had been their legacy, the birth of their son was the biggest and brightest thing that they had created.  He looked like his father, his smile and the way his eyes would light up when he was excited and happy.  Tish could tell that he missed his daddy, that pancakes were their thing; the thing that they had done every Sunday morning together.  Now, it was all that he would eat in the morning and she allowed it, just as she had allowed him to come into her bed at night with her because it comforted him; and it had also brought her closer to the only man she had ever loved.

She turned her back on her son at that moment, not wanting him to see her tears.  Her back against the counter and her hands to her face, missing him and wanting him near her.  She whispered his name under her breath and at that instant she felt it, his love and she knew he was there with her.  It was her child, who had climbed upon the counter behind her that had placed his hands upon her cheeks and whispered into her ear.  His words were his father’s words; his love was his father’s love as he said, “Daddy and I love you, he told me.”  Tish knew at that moment that her one true love would always be there through their child and he would forever remain in her heart and in the hands of her son.

 

"Words cannot express the depth of the love someone holds in their heart the same way that a single kiss does."  (me 2015)

 

 Thanks to Shane Alexander for the music.

Maura's Declaration

Maura looked around her, at her purse sitting on the vacant seat next to her, at the other passengers, she found herself amussed at the lack of passengers on her flight and by the fact that she appeared to be in the women's section of the airplane. She wondered about all the other females on the flight that were traveling alone, where were they going, was it business or pleasure and just who might be waiting for them at the end of their journeys. 

Maura had made this flight before and she knew who would be waiting for her at her final destination, he had always met her, and she him because they had been engaged in a long distance relationship for the entirety of it. One going to the other, hotels, trains and planes, meeting in the middle of the country and traveling hither and yon to be together. Maura smiled as she looked back on their destinations, the places they had been together, the times that they would kiss openly and notoriously in front of strangers, even clerks at the checkout lines, each of them waiting patiently for them to unlock their arms and their lips. The passion between them was intoxicating to them and to those that witnessed it. 

Maura wondered if Andrew ever realized how it had impacted her, that first passionate kiss on the wharf in Annapolis, he had spun her around and held her tight against the piling pushing into her with an embrace that sent chills up her spine, and then he came in for the kiss, pressing his lips hard onto hers. It wasn't that he had hurt her, he hadn't, but she knew he was there, that he was making her part of him and it filled her with pleasure, hope, love and desire.

Maura certainly burned with the desire to have Andrew a part of her life, to wake up next to him, to walk with him, to have him hear her heart and fulfill her soul. She knew that Andrew loved her, how could he not, he had traveled so many miles in the last five years just to be with her and he had welcomed her each time she came to him, but there was more to their relationship.

Andrew was hands down the most beautiful creature Maura had ever laid eyes on, and he filled her memories with his image. His hands had such a strength to them, she could see them resting on her thigh as they rode together in the car and that image gave her comfort. Maura often times found herself closing her eyes and running her fingers across every perfect little line of his body, his shoulders, his thighs and his stomach. He was so perfect physically and the thought of seeing his perfection again excited her.

There was more than his physical appearance that made Maura love him though, she knew his sweetness, the kind gentle side of him. The side of Andrew that lifted her emotionally and it was this side that gave her comfort when she needed it.  It was this side of Andrew that pulled her in, and she knew this was what she wanted and needed to survive life and within the relationship. As Maura set on the flight this time she knew what she needed from Andrew and she hoped that he would see that, see the pain in her face and what her life had been like since she had last seen him.

She carried with her a symbol on this journey, she planned on giving it to Andrew as soon as she sat in his car, as soon as she knew that his words had merit to them. It was symbolic and while Maura knew that she understood the significance of it she hoped that he would too. She had shopped and shopped trying to find the perfect little ingot, it needed to be gold, for gold was how she saw him, pure and bright.  Her gift needed to be able to be able to carry with it her emotions something that she felt only he would understand.

It was a fluke that Maura, despite days of looking and scouring every store within miles that she found exactly what she was looking for in the jewelry store where she went to have links removed from the watch that Andrew had purchased her for her birthday. While she waited to have the watch fit to her thin frame the ingot jumped out at her, it was more than she had anticipated spending, but it was perfect so she purchased it for him.

The gift made her smile, made her happy for she knew that it was symbolic. She just hoped that Andrew would see the symbolism, that he would understand the meaning. She reached into her bag on the seat next to her and pulled the box out of the corner she had tucked in into. As she opened it she ran her finger over one side, the side that bore their initials and joined them. She held her finger there for a moment, talking to Andrew and whispering into his ear, saying it was no longer a me thing, but an us thing now, asking him to hear her, to show her he felt the same.

Maura knew that she loved him more than anything, that he had become her world, and she knew that without him in her life she would be on an endless path to nowhere. In her mind, in her soul and heart she would be his forever. She wanted him to feel the same way to be hers forever, and so it was she turned the ingot over and touched the other side. Holding her finger there, believing that by doing so she would make it true and real.

As she lifted her finger she saw the words that she wanted Andrew to feel, needed him to know, words that would be placed on the chain he wore around his neck, words that when he doubted he could touch and know how she felt, the symbolic gesture that meant Maura was making a commitment to him. For on this gift which bore their initials on one side contained, in their native language the word, "forever". 

Maura closed the box and placed in back into the corner of her bag as the pilot indicated they were preparing to land. As she did so a tear ran down her check, she knew that in just a few short moments the plane would be on the ground, she would fall into Andrews arms and when they settled into his car. She worried about how Andrew would react and though she loved him with every breath she had she was pensive. She knew that she would know if he accepted her "forever".

"Forever can only last as long as those that are in are committed to an eternity."  (me 2016)

Karen's Surprise

The winter had been harsh; snow had fallen almost every day since the temperatures took a nose dive. If only an inch, it would still fall and it seemed unnaturally cold and wet this year. Karen hadn't remembered a time that they had a winter like this and it made her think about traveling to a resort, laying on a beach and basking in the sunlight. She would chuckle at the thought of doing so because she knew that it was impossible, to get away.

There were always constraints placed upon Karen, some self-imposed and others placed on her by her job. Karen loved what she did, well at least on most days, but there were times that Karen thought about throwing in the towel. Those were the days when she found no justice in The Justice System.

Karen had worked her way through her Undergraduate Degree and then on to Law School, it was no small feat for a girl of humble beginnings and she had been the first person in her family to ever to graduate from college. She worked both to support the cost of school and to help her family, she knew ultimately that her degree would help her to provide more for them, to buy her aging parents a home, to help her younger siblings attend school. Being the oldest child out of six, Karen wanted to be the role model for her family.

She had seen how hard her father had worked to put their daily meals on the table and she watched as her two younger sisters grumbled at her hand me downs. They hated wearing her clothes and she hated seeing them do it, feeling like she always got the new things and they always got the cast a ways. She watched as her father cashed his payroll checks and walked two blocks to pay the rent on a home he could never buy.

After Karen graduated from Law School she saved every penny she could, except for the occasional and whimsical shopping expedition with her two younger sisters. She loved those days, they would have lunch and she would buy them new things, different things and the things her parents couldn't afford. She smiled as she remembered taking the girls to Victoria's Secret for the first time, how they didn't even know what to think about the multitude of undergarments. She remembered how she had felt in school to have to dress out for gym class and how being poor had affected her self-esteem every time. She didn't want that for her little sisters and so she made sure that they had a little bit better road than she did, just simply by taking them to the semi-annual sale and purchasing things for them. She laughed out loud as she recalled her youngest sister asking for a push up water bra and having to explain that first she needed something to push up. It was, for Karen, like everything she did, an effort to give to her family and in some ways she felt more like the parent than a child.

Karen had saved a good deal of money from her case work, she often took on more cases than anyone could reasonably expect to handle, but she did; and she did so because she put in the time, a lot of it. All the work she was doing, all the time she spent at her office was goal driven, and that was part of her make-up, set a goal and reach it. She wanted to buy a home for her parents that was large enough to accommodate the family and one that could easily be paid for. To do so she had to make a large down payment and so she saved.

The day came where Karen had saved enough money and the right house came on the market. It was in a great location, close to her father's job and kept her siblings in the right school district. That was important to Karen because it had been important to her father. He had sacrificed; the family had done without so she could go to the best school.  As soon as the house came on the market Karen called her real estate agent and made an offer, which was accepted right away. 

As the closing date approached Karen started to make plans to move her parents into the house, no one knew what she had done, in fact, and her parents didn't even know she had already let their landlord in on the surprise. The landlord was excited for her parents and proud of Karen for making such a loving gift and so he had kept the secret for her. Her siblings didn't even have any idea what she was doing, despite her having taken them on whimsical imaginary furniture shopping expeditions to furnish a simple castle, should they ever acquire one. This was how she managed to buy furniture that they had picked out and she paid for. Her family would move into to a home that was all new, right down to the dishes, in just a few short days.

Closing day came and Karen had begun to get nervous, she was scheduled to close at 2 o'clock that afternoon, all the paperwork had been completed, she had dinner being delivered to the house for a family dinner and she had coordinated everyone's schedules to make this happen. But today, her docket was running late, the attorney on the other side of her case stonewalling her and she didn't know why. They had a deal yesterday, worked it all out, to what she had thought, had been the mutual satisfaction of the parties, or so she thought. And at this instant Karen had no clue what this guy's end game was or what he was trying to accomplish with his endless delaying tactics.

Karen needed to make a decision quickly, should she postpone her closing, should she call in someone to cover her case or ask the Judge for a continuance. Her client was there, waiting for his child to be returned to him. The mother wasn't there, she was supposed to be and she was supposed to turn the child over, and she was supposed to relinquish custody in front of the Judge. They had all agreed to it, this was what was best for the little girl; her father could offer her stability that the mother could not. Karen was tired of waiting, and it was time to put her foot down.

Approaching the bailiff, Karen took on the persona of the tough litigator she was known as, she signaled for opposing counsel to follow her, which he instinctively did. Karen asked that they be granted an opportunity to speak to the Judge in order to proffer the Agreement the parties had reached and to have a warrant issued for the mother's failure to appear. Of course, just as Karen suspected, opposing counsel didn’t like that idea, but the bailiff asked them to hang on and he would speak to the judge. 

They watched as the bailiff disappeared behind the dark heavy door, and they watched and waited for what seemed to be an eternity for him to return.  As the bailiff opened the door this time he stood there holding it open and motioned for them to enter. Karen signaled to her client to follow her, which he did nervously. Once in the Courtroom Karen told the father to stand by her and remain there until she told him to sit. Opposing counsel was noticeably anxious and Karen wondered why, what did he know and what was he hiding? Had he possibly encouraged his client to run, had she run?

The Judge appeared in the Courtroom and as the obligatory announcement of who he was ended Karen nodded at him, they had known each other a very long time and she had earned his respect, but her respect for him far outweighed any he could give her because he was fair and dealt swiftly with injustices. As the Judge took his seat and began to look over the case in front of him the bailiff approached the bench and whispered to the Judge. Karen noticed his eyebrow go up, an indicator that he was clearly dismayed by what he had just heard. She looked at opposing counsel with a questioning expression, he returned her look with bewilderment and a hand motion that he had no idea what was going on.

Just then the Judge spoke, his voice stern as he informed both counsel that he would be entering an Order granting Karen's client sole custody of the party's child. Karen smiled, she would make her closing and her surprise and for a brief moment she was relieved.   That relief faded quickly as the Judge informed Karen's client that he was sending his Clerk back to get a certified copy of the Order and no one was to leave the Courtroom until she returned. Karen knew that there was something seriously wrong at that moment, and she knew the Judge knew more than either her or opposing counsel.

Karen took her client's arm and held it as if to keep him under control as the clerk walked back and handed the Order to the Judge. It seemed there was more to be said and done and no one in that room but the Judge and the bailiff had any idea what would come next. The Judge told counsel they would find copies of his Order in their court boxes the next day, but Karen's client would be getting his now, that he would have sole custody of his child, and he would be leaving with the bailiff immediately as the child and her mother were in an accident on the way to the hearing. 

The child needed immediate medical attention and the father was to attend to her. As Karen's client was escorted out of the courtroom and to the hospital she stood there worried about how the child was, would she be alright. Karen was brought back to reality by the Judge's proclamation that the mother had been driving under the influence and that she was in critical condition; he further stated that if she made it she would be facing serious charges for endangering the welfare of a minor. Karen felt the tear forming in her eye as she looked down and shook her head.

Today there was no justice in The Justice System, for today an innocent child, one that should have been with her father months before was hurt. The delays in the system had allowed that, and today she wanted out, out of the weather, out of the system and out of the game. And getting out would not come for Karen had a closing to go to and a family to which she had become the parent to protect.

 "Family comes in many forms, the love it shares and the faith it shows reaches unimaginable depths and gives unconditionally to the miracle of the unit it creates."  (me 2016)

 

Thanks to Chris Pierce for the Music.

 

 

The Fear of Gia

            Gia was always a quiet and withdrawn child, it wasn’t without cause, for little Gia had many reasons for her withdrawal and they were the things that both held her back in her youth and made her pound feet to escape as she aged.  Gia, to this day, midway through her adulthood, still had fear in her.  It was that fear that held her now, made her weary of getting close to others.  She had learned that those closest to her were also the same people that inflicted pain, she mistrusted relationships and humans finding comfort more in nature and animals for they were consistent, only allowing the seasons to change their appearance.

            Humans, Gia had learned, changed depending on their needs, wants or desires and they changed for the worst when their own anger and frustration caused them to inflict pain upon others.  Gia knew the pain they could inflict; the physical pain that eventually turned to a long lasting emotional pain, one Gia could not shake and one that caused her to mistrust others.  She tried to blame it on a lack of courage, feeling like she should trust more, that it was her fault in some odd way that she had suffered the abuse and that not everyone would be like her Uncle Sam.  Not everyone would take advantage of a little girl like that and she should trust more.  Instead, Gia trusted less and let very few people into her world. 

            There was always a feeling that she could not adapt to what others needed from her, give of herself and so she stayed mostly to herself.  Gia had however, after a trail of disastrous relationships, found a man that got her and understood her fears and the pain.  She was grateful to and for Brad, and she counted on him to lift her when she fell.  He stood by her day in and day out, he understood her quietness and let her wallow in her thoughts when she needed to and he listened when she needed to talk.  He helped her to open up to cross streets that held the unknown on the other side.  He let her know that it was not her that needed to adapt to others and the world, but that it was those outside her world that needed to open their eyes and see her for who she was.

            Gia was starting to see things differently through Brad’s eyes, but it was still hard for her to see everything, let alone see it clearly.  Pain, Gia thought, was like looking in a mirror at the Circus, it distorted everything you saw.  Sometimes it seemed as if it were clear and other times it warped her thoughts, her actions and made her sink further from the human contacts she knew.  Gia wanted to just see things clearly, to feel things and emotions in their natural state.  She wanted the mirror that she looked into and through to crumble in front of her, giving way to the courage she knew was inside of her and just could not manage to find.  She leaned on Brad during these moments and saw her strength in his reflection.

            There were a lot of times of reflection since Gia was a little girl, she remembers sitting on the swing in the school yard near her home; her feet barely scrapping the ground beneath her feet and barely swinging to and fro upon the swing.  Mostly there was stillness, quietness to her mood during those times and despite those adults that that were supposed to be safe reaching out to her, Gia stayed inside of herself, deep within her own thoughts.  She didn’t understand her pain, the why and how of it all, nor did she know that someday she would be able to become pragmatic about it and place it, along with the blame right where it belonged, in the heart and soul of the perpetrator.  She did not know that her Uncle need not accept the blame or responsibility for her hurt; she did not understand that she would be able to give it directly to him, to lay it all at his feet.  There was no way that in those moments Gia could understand any of these facts, for right now her feet still dangled from the seat of the swing that she sat upon.

            Time would be what would help Gia, time and Brad, for those two things took a while to come to her.  Time gave her insight, it gave her the ability to work past her hurt, though it would never be totally gone.  Time gave her the ability to see Brad for who he was, to learn to trust him, the ability to lean on him and to mature.  Time gave their relationship the ability to grow and mature into a positive light, one that allowed Gia to reflect in her pain and to see her image grow.  It was the maturity, granted to her by that same time, which allowed Gia gained the age that gave way to her pragmatic views these days.  It helped her to place pieces, some larger than others, of her pain into perspective and to let them rest; either at the feet of those that inflicted the pain or in a dark untouched recess of her mind. 

            That didn’t mean that Gia was pain free these days, because she was still far from that, but she had found someplace inside of herself that was filled with courage.  In that place she saw herself differently, she knew that all things were possible in life.  That place of courage allowed her to slowly untwist the chains of pain that bound her to her past and she did so one link at a time until she felt as though she could finally see both ends of the chain.  She no longer felt as if she were one of the animals, abused and battered chained to a tree without food and water.  Gia now felt that she was free to roam within nature, to walk along a path that directed her towards the sunlight and not towards the darkness.  Gia had found the beginning of her path of her future and she knew that within her, and standing beside her, through Brad, that she had a future and she could face her pain. 

            Gia’s Uncle could no longer touch her; he could no longer hurt her and she had the strength to banish him from her thoughts during the light of day.  In the night, when Gia was at her most vulnerable; in the darkness of her dreams Brad would lay by her side and he would be her strength.  Brad would be there, to reach out to her and comfort her when the pain and evil would creep into her dreams, when she would once again become that little girl.  Brad would allow her to reconcile the dreams with him, he would allow her to walk her path, to sort it out and to do so without stumbling and he did that for her because and through love, a steady strength and an understanding that she had never known.  Gia knew her strength came in part from Brad and she knew that in part her strength came to her from forgiveness.  She was on her way to being whole.

 

"It is through the love and care of another, their understanding and compassion that we learn to heal ourselves and gain acceptance."  (me 2016)

           

 

The Sunset of Love

Renee love the spring time, the smell in the air, the blossoms poking up their heads from the frozen  earth and the birds singing.  It often reminded her of her favorite childhood movie, and she thought back to the little dear wandering in the forest, the wise old owl sitting in the tree high above answering questions about spring.  The owl had said that the creatures of the forest had become twitter patted.  She remembered that scene and the owl fondly, because it was spring and love was in the air for her.  She smiled as she imagined herself running through the woods laughing at everything and nothing for Renee knew that this was how she had felt from the first moment that she had laid eyes on Grady.

Grady had been outside of the norm for Renee, she had always chosen men that were career oriented, those that could offer financial stability for her, the tall dark and handsome man that would complement her tiny fair frame, but Grady was different.  He walked different, he talked different and he knew all the right words.  He had given Renee hope when she thought that all men were self-absorbed and self-aggrandizing, Grady had spoken the soft words of dreams of a life he had envisioned for them.  He quietly played music for her, telling her that he had penned the lyrics for her.  Grady was a poet, and he was music to Renee’s ears. 

The words that Grady had spoken to Renee were music to her ears, they were proof positive that love existed and the bond that they had between them could not be broken.  Their countless conversations and their fantasies carried them through the hard times, it gave them a sustenance that fed them and fueled their love.  He proved himself over and over again to her, showed her that he loved her and that they had a future because somewhere they had a past in another life.  A past that had kept them apart and even now when they were separated by miles he sensed her need for him, knew she was thinking about him and longing to fall into his arm.  He was just that kind of a man.

He was a man, more of a man than any Renee had ever known and every day she was a little more amazed by him, by his love and what he gave to her. Until Renee had met Grady she had only known men that were driven by success, by money and their stature in life, it was boring to her and it didn’t offer her the passion that she had always longed for deep in her heart.  He was not driven by any of the things that the other men she had known were driven by, because Grady, in his totality was driven by his heart.  She had listened carefully to his words, the things that he had said, the promises that he had made her and she knew that he wanted to give her everything that he was.  She watched as the tears flowed down his checks as he spoke of his love for her, their unity and what they would do together for the rest of their lives.  Renee knew that the courage that it took for him to express himself to expose himself to her made him the greatest man of all time, greater than she had even seen her own father whom she had adored. 

The smell of spring brought more hope into their relationship for it renewed them, it renewed their adventures and it gave them the opportunity to be where they wanted to be, in the high mountain plateaus of New Mexico.  They had traveled there, dreamed of living there and sharing a life together in a log cabin.  They had spoken of their art, their creations, of children and family. They had formed a bond over and in a place that was rich with culture and tradition and they both longed to be there, to start a life looking out over the multi-dimensional sunsets, to watch as the sunset upon the hills and glistened off the rocks forming a rainbow of colors that captivated the heart and the eye.

Tonight they sat together, hand in hand on an old Indian blank, one that they had purchased together at a flea market.  They watched as the sun began its long decent across the hills, they stared in amazement as the colors began to change and life began to stand still.  At that very moment when light no longer existed and darkness had yet to begin Grady stood up, an act that Renee thought odd for they always waited for the stars to shine their brightest before they began their trek home.  But he was different tonight, he seemed somewhat aloof, a side that Renee had never seen in Grady, he had always been so open and honest with her in a raw sort of way.  She was pensive as Grady stood there towering tall above her, not knowing what he would say or do.

Grady stood there for a moment, looking out on to the landscape, not uttering a word.  Renee watched him, glanced over his body looking for anything that she could find amiss, she saw his silhouette against the setting sun; he was striking with his broad shoulders and thin frame.  She thought about how attracted to his physical characteristics she was, his arms that held her, his face that contained the smile that lit her life on fire, the mouth that uttered the words that she longed to hear.  Renee thought about how many times the strength of his arms had wrapped around her, holding her, keeping her warm and letting her know that she was loved.

Finally, after what seemed to be an eternity, Grady reached out his hand to Renee, lifting her up off the blanket, pulling her into him.  It was a place where she felt comfortable and loved, it was her home in his arms tightly wrapped around her.  Grady gently kissed her neck and then her lips, he whispered into her ear that he loved her more than the sunset, more than the plateau, more than his dreams.  Renee felt the dampness of the tear running down her face as she pulled back and looked into his eyes.  She knew that this man, the man that held her in his arms this night was the only man that she would ever love, that would ever capture her in that way, the way that romance novels dictated, the way that fairy tales ended.  She knew that he was the only great love of her life and she knew, as she whispered back, that she would love no one ever the way she loved him at that moment.

It was then that Grady announced that he had a surprise for her and grabbed up their Indian blanket, shaking off the sand while he half-heartedly folded it.   He looked at her and told her that he would be eternally grateful if she accompanied him.  Without a moment of hesitation Renee grabbed her bag, slipped her hand into his as they headed towards his car.  She didn’t ask what the surprise was, she didn’t want to spoil it, but in her heart she ached for him to ask her to be his wife, to share the rest of his life with her.  She wanted that, more than anything to be a family and create life with him and through him.  Renee remained silent, her fear of the unknown washed away by her hand in his as they pulled away.

What seemed like an eternity to Renee was, in reality, only a short time.  They hadn’t driven far when Grady stopped the car, putting it into park and turning off the ignition.  Renee didn’t even have time to formulate or ask a question before Grady had run to her side and pulled the door open for her.  Holding out his hand to her, she grasped it and used it to give her leverage out of the vehicle.  They were standing in front of the most beautiful cabin she had ever seen and there were no questions coming from her lips for she was in such awe, the landscape, the cabin, all of it was just as they had spoken about.  It was, in fact, their dream, a dream they shared together and it was just as they had imagined.

Grady took Renee’s hand as he walked her up the steps to the front door of the cabin.  He held it tightly as she seemed to be in a trance of sorts, unable to put one foot in front of the other.  He gently out his hand into his pocket, and pulled it out, contained in his hand was a key, a key to the door that stood in front of them.  He handed the key to Renee and told her to go ahead and open it.  She looked at him in a sort of disbelief as she took the key from his hand and inserted it into the lock.  With one swift turn and a twist of the knob the door to the cabin swung open revealing every conversation the two of them had ever had.  The art work, the furniture, the kitchen; it was all as they had imagined; it was all they had talked about.  Grady took Renee’s hand one more time as he led her into the kitchen.

There on the counter was a bottle of champagne chilling to perfection, a box and an envelope.  Grady reached for the box as he dropped to one knee and opened it.  Inside was the most beautiful sapphire ring that Renee had ever seen, and her hand went to her mouth, she didn’t know what to do except wait for Grady to utter the question, would she marry him.  It didn’t take Renee a single second to answer him, for she knew this was what she had longed for and her response would always have been a resounding yes.  And when she did respond, he lifted her into him, kissed her gently and told her that he was sorry for the wait, but that he needed to make all her dreams come true first.  With that, he reached for the envelope that lay on the counter and said, welcome home my love, this is our dream.

 

Thanks to Shane Alexander for the music and in part for the inspiration.

 

Sara's Thoughts

 

 

Sara often found herself deep in her own thoughts; it was like a well for her, deep and dark; sometimes flooded with emotions. Emotions that made her feel as if she was tirelessly treading water, unable to rest or catch her breath. At times she felt as though there was no escape from her them or the pain that went ran along the deepest recesses of her mind.  She felt as if she was doomed to forever reside within the well of her head.

 

Sara wondered if she had done the right things in life, if her choices were as pure as she believed they were. She had always tried to do the right things, gave up the things she wanted and acquiesced to the demands of others and their needs. It was in part these actions that now sent her to her own thoughts, her own questions and her realization that thinking really gave her no answers and yet she stayed there in the well of her own thoughts; mired in treading water and in deep pain.

 

Sara prayed for relief to see the sun and to feel its warmth. She wanted to soar like a bird, high among the clouds to feel that sort of unrelenting freedom but the walls inside the well of her thoughts were covered in dark silt. Each time that Sara tried to scale the walls she would find her hands slipping on the silt, unable to get a hand hold that would lift her out of her thoughts, out of the darkness and into the light. The sun seemed so distant to her and yet each day she could feel its warmth beating down upon her, beckoning her to try harder to escape her own darkness.

 

She needed to escape her thoughts, how she questioned everything, the words of those that claimed to love her, the feelings of wanting to cry and the urge to scream. Yet, Sara didn't know how to have people listen to her, how to get them to understand who she was deep inside even when she tried as hard as she could. She knew that this frustration lent itself to her retreating into the well of her brain. It was safe there, quiet and isolated from the hurt and pain she had known in her life and she was comfortable in the stillness of her thoughts. Sara liked the safety of her thoughts for she understood them better than anyone ever understood her. The thoughts to Sara were like a security blanket that covered her, they were hers and hers alone and she didn't feel the need to share them with anyone for she knew that even if they listened they couldn't understand.

 

It was that knowledge and understanding that kept Sara within herself. No one could rescue her and yet she remained hopeful that the one person she needed most would someday understand and accept her. That he would stand tall in the sun above, hear her thoughts and drop down the life line of love and inspiration that would assist her in coming out from the abyss into the light. She needed that, she needed him to be there and to hear her and so she waited.

 

Her wait seemed as endless as the images that ran through her head, they were all on a loop that circled and circled in and around her.  At times her thoughts seemed cartoonish, filled with lavish colors and a multitude of characters.  Her tenuous periods of waiting reminding her of a clock who’s minute hand turned at rapid speeds, just flitting out of control.  She wished many times that she could pull the batteries from the clock, to end the wait and she wanted desperately to cut the loop on her thoughts.  Sara didn’t have the energy to do either and so she sat and she waited, waited for him.

 

A moment turned to hours and hours into days, she called out to him silently with each breath that she could muster up.  He didn’t respond, he couldn’t respond for he could not climb into her head, into her thoughts and even though her thoughts were about him, about her past and about the time that they shared and he was always there it was as if he too was intrinsically intertwined with them and could not escape.  How could he help her, throw her a life line when she kept him a prisoner in her mind, Sara knew that she couldn’t keep him there and that she could not allow him to be suffocated alongside her in the deepness of the well which were only her thoughts.

 

She laid down that last night, clinging to her memories, knowing that they were hers and that she needed to set them free.  She counted, one number after another, a ritual that she found helped lull her to sleep, but this time the numbers were different.  This time the meanings that Sara had assigned to them were of the days that she had been alone, silent in her thoughts.  She counted and she recounted the days, the nights and the hours and with each increment she realized that each of her days, each of her moments were filled with more thoughts and memories of him, of her love for him and despite her hurt and her pain she knew that only he could pull them out of the darkness, out of the silt and mess that had been created in her head.

 

And as sleep approached her, as the numbers began to lull her into slumber, she reached over and placed her hand upon his stomach as she had done so many times before.  She heard his breathing and felt his heart beating within his chest.  For the first time in months Sara had a sense of comfort as she laid there feeling so much love for him.  For in this dream, for in this moment in time he was there beside her, loving her as much as she loved him, even if it was not reality and only a dream that floated in the deep recesses of the well which were her thoughts.

 

Thanks to Brent Shuttleworth for the music.