She remembers the day her daughter
was born; she was such a beautiful little creature, her head full of little
blonde ringlets and an angelic rosy face, perfect in every way.It was such a happy day and yet filled with a
sense of something missing.She knew
what it was that was missing, she felt it and it was strong within her, that
feeling of absence; the one that a daughter knows at that moment she yearns to
share with her own mother the birth of her child.But her mother wasn’t there, they had been
estranged for years and the weight lay heavy upon her as she cradled her infant
in her arms.
There wasn’t much that she could do
to change what was and so she began the task of raising her daughter.She was her third child so it was old hat to
her by this point, the act of being a mom, the endless diaper changes and late
night feedings, but still she missed that first bond that a mother shares with
her daughter when she gives birth.Many
times she wanted to pick up the phone and call her mother, to invite her over
to see the new bundle of joy; she never did because she knew what would become
of it, the hassles that would ensue within her marriage and the turmoil in her
life.She hated turmoil and so she
existed within the status quo that was her surroundings.
The days turned to weeks and weeks
into months and years.Time didn’t stand
still for her yearnings and her children began to grow up, get older and yet
her mother was not there to see them mature or to know what they had become,
she needed her there; wanted her near to hold and nurture her children.It saddened her so and she missed her mother
in her life and that of her children as she watched them reach the milestones
that they all do, the piano lessons and recitals, the graduations from high
school.She had raised four children all
together and there was always this feeling that they had been shortchanged,
that they had missed something; an extended family a group of people that would
love them unconditionally and be a safety net for them.She knew that the choices that she had made
had been the catalyst for what their lives were and though she wanted to take
responsibility for those choices she wasn’t sure how to do so.
Months and years turned to decades
and she knew that her turmoil with her own mother was partly due to her father
and that she had taken sides in her parents’ struggles, which while she
shouldn’t have been placed in that position she had willingly walked into
it.She also knew that her own marriage,
her desire to keep her children with their father had played a rather large
roll in not reaching out to her mother and mending fences.Her husband, the father of her children had
an uncontrollable disdain for her mother and any contact would have caused a
war within her home and so she kept quiet, remained silent about her own
needs.Her silence was a part of who she
was, she withdrew from the things that her heart needed in favor of those that
she loved, those that she brought into the world.
It would be years before she would
break her silence and stand up for what she knew she needed what she wanted out
of her own life.It would be too late to
mend the fences with her own mother, but her conviction and determination would
cause a repeat of her past, and the past of her own mother.The repetition would be resounding and
difficult for her to comprehend in some ways and yet so familiar it would
frighten her to the point of nightmares, always wondering what the final
outcome would be for that beautiful little girl that was her third child, the
baby that she craved so much.
It would be a familiar scene for her
as she embarked on her own path, one that included a divorce, a sense of
freedom and loss.She tried to keep the
relationship with her child, but that little girl had, not unlike herself,
always been a daddy’s girl.That
relationship would ultimately determine how she related to her child, how far
she could trust her and prove to be what would separate them.It would come at a great cost for both of
them, the child and the mother, for the daughter that she had given birth to
was now a mother herself and there was a longing for her to hold those
grandchildren, to love them.She thought
about her own mother in those moments when she couldn’t fulfill the need to hold
her grandchildren and it saddened her to think that she had inflicted pain on
the person that had raised her and loved her.She understood better now than she ever had what she had done by not
picking up the phone and calling her own mother.
She waited for the call, the
communication from her child and wondered if she could deal with the pain of
the call, how to address the hurt and if she could ever just accept it and move
forward.She wasn’t sure that she could,
if she knew how or if she should just protect herself from it all.And then, there came the text message
announcing the birth of her daughter’s third child.It was an announcement that was filled with
pain and remorse for it was an announcement that brought with it the fleeting
memories of the birth of her daughter so many years before.Memories of the loss of a mother, of a relationship
that she wouldn’t have the time to recapture or the opportunity to set right
before her mother left this world.She
knew that her own child was, in an odd coincidence of fate, taking the same
path that she had with her own mother and the familiarities frightened her.
"To my mother, who left too early. Happy Birthday, I love and miss you. I hope that you can see these words and that you hear my message." (me 2015)
Sissy arrived at the airport early, she hated flying and was
really nervous about arriving at her destination in one piece; both physically
and emotionally. The past week had been rough for her, she had booked this
flight just yesterday and even as she laid her head on the pillow last night
she wasn't sure it was the right thing to do.
The night was long for Sissy, she tossed and turned, even waking
up in a cold sweat after having one of those dreams, the kind that make you
question reality and just where you are. She had argued with Jayme again right
before she went to sleep, the same kind of argument that they had been having
for the last year and a half. Sissy thought that maybe she shouldn't go, maybe
she should just give up and hang up on their relationship the way he had hung
up on her last night.
It was just the week before he had taken off for New York while
she was sleeping.It was another one of
his insecurities that made him run and Sissy, in response to his running again,
refused to talk to him. She was too hurt, too angry and she knew that if she
spoke to him her resolve would crumble; she would let him back into her heart.
She knew this because it was what had been happening for the last six months. Jayme
would get upset over something silly and he would run, but this last time was
very different, so different in fact that Sissy didn't know if she could or
would get past it.
Their initial conversation this time was nothing more than screaming.
Sissy felt frustrated, more than normal, and she needed to be heard. That was
Jayme's downside; his ears were always obscured by his mouth. It was impossible
for him to hear Sissy when all he did was talk. It seemed like he was so
obsessed with getting respect for himself that he forgot that it had to be
given to be received. Sissy certainly didn't feel as if Jayme respected her,
most of the time she felt like his chattel.
There was a moment as she walked through the passageway to board the
plane that Sissy thought about turning around, going back to her car and just
going home. She glanced over her shoulder to see how many people she would have
to cut through to get back to the terminal. She hung on to the railing that ran
the length of the passage, took a deep breath and steadied herself, thinking
that one deep breath would get her on the plane. The other passengers that were
boarding the flight passing her by, some just glancing in her direction while
others looked through her. She was in Zone 1 on this leg of the flight and she
knew she needed to decide quickly, so Sissy forced the courage to pick up her
feet and place them one in front of the other.
Once on the plane Sissy sat down and stowed her carry on under the
seat in front of her, it was all she brought with her this time. That one small
bag contained nothing more than the bare necessities. In part she thought that
her choice of luggage had signaled what her mind had already decided, and yet
she hung on to hope. She hoped that there would be more change in their
relationship than what she had packed in that small carry on. Her first flight
to New York had been very different, she had over packed, was prepared for all
the possibilities the relationship might hold. This was a bag of uncertainty, a
quick escape bag if need be.
Fastening her seat belt tightly, she again thought back to the
first flight to New York to meet Jayme. It seemed like eons ago, but it was
just a little over two years prior. She was full of excitement and anticipation
that day, looking forward to meeting Jayme after having spent weeks and endless
hours talking to him over the phone. This time was different and Jayme was
different, she was even different, but yet they were still the people that they
had been in the beginning. She began to think about all the things that had
happened this past year and how the difference in Jayme had begun to affect her
self-esteem.
Sissy wanted familiarity in her life, she needed consistency and
she had none of that with Jayme. One minute he was loving and caring and the
next he was a screaming loon. The things that angered him were things that
Sissy didn't see or feel and she didn't understand where they came from. Her
time with Jayme included such isolation from the world. Most days she didn't
want to leave her house because she worried that they would fight. In some ways
this suited her fine since she was a homebody, but there were times that it
annoyed her.
Annoyance became somewhat the hallmark of Sissy's face. People
often commented that she seemed tired or as if she wasn't feeling well. One
excuse after another would come from her lips, maybe because if she uttered the
words, let them cross her lips it would be like lava erupting from a volcano, burning
and destroying everything in its path. Sissy knew that she would just tuck her
feelings into her pocket and keep them there hidden from the world, she knew
that on the outside she would continue to be the clown, entertaining those
around her while all the while she was boiling inside.
The boiling emotions inside of Sissy wouldn't ease up this day for
she had a lot of things to think about, including changing planes. She knew she
had another chance to back out, that her connecting flight was at an airport
just three hours from home. She could rent a car there and drive home if she
needed to and that gave her some comfort. Jayme had promised her that he would
not yell or accuse her if she came, that he missed her and he wanted their relationship
to work. Sissy wanted desperately to believe him because she loved him.What didn't give her comfort were Jayme's
promises, she knew, from their past, that they were just words. Things he would
say but wouldn't be able to follow through on.
As the first leg of her flight ended Sissy worried that she
wouldn't make the connection. She had broken her foot a few weeks earlier and
was still hobbled by the pain and her connecting flight was scheduled to leave
in less than a half of an hour. She felt certain that missing that flight would
be a sign, one that would tell her to go home. Sissy looked for signs in
everything, something that would move her in a certain direction.She had been on the last seat on this flight
and thought that it had represented her relationship with Jayme, that she had
always taken a back seat to the pain in his life, that no matter how much she
loved him or how hard she tried to please him it wasn't enough to cure his
pain. So, Sissy waited for all the passengers to disembark from the flight,
just as she had waited for Jayme to see her for who she was, so that she could
make a mad dash for her connection.
Sissy had felt so connected to Jayme when they first met; just
like the two flights she was to take that day. It was a connection that would
bring them together. Their lives had been similar and yet very different, but they
were lives that led them down a path that would bring them together. She wanted
to be together with Jayme, the way they were in the beginning, to have that
passion again, to have him adore her and for her adoration of him to continue.
She thought about the fear of missing her connection again and for a brief
moment, as she hobbled towards her terminal, she thought about Jayme and how he
must feel somewhat like she did at that moment, fearful that if he did not
control her actions that he would miss his emotional connection to her.
Sissy had texted Jayme when the first leg of her flight landed and
let him know that she was rushing to make the connection. She knew that she
needed to make contact with him as soon as she figured out if she would be able
to get onto her flight. She had zigzagged through the airport narrowly avoiding
being run over by a transit car, taking escalators and walkways to make it on
time. As she reached the gate they were already boarding the flight and her
zone was being called. She knew she had made it, and for a split second she
thought about just sitting down and letting the plane take off. She was out of
breath, her foot hurt and she was an emotional wreck. Ultimately, it was the
thought of Jayme holding her that pushed her feet forward as she showed her
boarding pass.
Again, Sissy was in the back of the plane, a place she had now
gotten used to, but at least she was on a larger flight on this leg of her
journey and there wouldn't be another passenger overflowing into her seat,
something she hated even though she was thin, she just didn’t like other people
to infringe into her space.She leaned
up against the window, peering out into the abyss of her own thoughts. Tears
wanted to come to her and she held them back, they were tears of fear and
frustration. She didn't know how this would all pan out for her, their
relationship or Jayme. And though he didn't believe it, she loved him and was
concerned for him. His temper and anxiety were rooted deeply in his soul, at
first her love seemed to make him happy, but something had changed in him.His happiness seemed to be overshadowed by
thoughts that she could not control or change and it scared her for him and for
their relationship.
She sat there quiet throughout the entire flight, only glancing
over briefly at the elderly couple sitting next to her and noticed that the
gentleman was holding his wife's hand. That small act of reassurance sent her
further into her own pain and memories of how Jayme had been like that in the beginning.
She longed for that tenderness in him again, that side of him that was about
the love. There had been so much anger between them and she was hurt beyond any
hurt she had known before. It was hard for her to see past that, past the
accusations Jayme had made. He had promised her that if she got on this flight
that things would be different and that he wouldn't argue. She wanted so badly
to believe him, but her experiences told her that his pain, his past and all
the hurt he had felt wouldn't allow him to keep his promise to her.Her love for him drove her this time, it
overshadowed her fears and it gave her hope for she truly wanted to believe in
him. She wanted to believe that, as he had told her, they could get past this.
Her trust was starting to trail off, and Sissy knew that in her
heart; she knew that Jayme could only contain himself for so long. As the pilot
announced the impending landing Sissy looked out the window, trying to find a
familiar landmark in order to get her bearings, set her mind straight. She
struggled to see something, anything that would give her peace of mind, the
ability to relax. She couldn't find anything and the apprehension grew inside
of her to the point that she felt sick to her stomach. Her heart began to pound
as the wheels of the plane hit the ground and then a sense of relief as the
pilot announced a brief delay in getting to the gate. Sissy longed to see
Jayme, to feel his lips against hers and to know his love, but the fear inside
overwhelmed that desire.
As the plane slowly approached the gate the pilot announced that
passengers could use their phones. Quickly, Sissy turned on her phone and shot
a text to Jayme saying she was on the ground, but he already knew that, he had
been waiting for her, watching the leader boards for information about the
flight. That was the Jayme she knew and loved, the man that was full of
anticipation and hope. She thought back to a time he had told her that he slept
with hope and faith and she had jokingly laughed and asked him if it had been
at the same time. The thought of that day washed the apprehension away from
Sissy, for it was on that day that Jayme had given her the most passionate kiss
of her life. The thought of sharing another kiss like that with him, to feel
his soul and heart fill hers again was all she wanted from him.
Sissy's apprehension began to give way to anticipation, longing to
see the man that she adored. Her worries, as she exited the plane and walked
through the terminal, we're diminishing with every step she took.She finally reached the top of the escalator,
a place she was vaguely familiar with as it had been from that place nearly two
years ago that she first laid eyes on Jayme. She remembered thinking then how
handsome he was, how his beautiful heart had come through to his external being.
Today, as she stood atop the perch of the escalator she had that same feeling,
she knew why she loved him and she knew that she missed him. He smiled at her
as he caught her coming down to him and she at him as she was descending once
again into his arms. And just as she had two years prior, Sissy felt as if the
wings of her angel were wrapped around her, shielding her from the world.
Thank you Chris Pierce for the music.
"The times that our emotional gas tanks run empty are the times when we have no explanation for the things that just are." (me 2015)
It was cold and Misty felt the
chill in her bones as she laid there in her bed alone.She reached down and gently pulled up the
extra blanket that rested at the foot of the bed for nights just like these.That blanket only offered her minimal comfort
as it wasn’t what she really longed for or needed and it surely hadn’t
comforted the emotions inside of her that flowed out in tears.She knew that there wasn’t much that could
help her in that area, she couldn’t turn back the clock this night and make
things better; all that she was able to do was watch the minutes tick by as she
continued to shiver from the cold and the hurt.
She remembered the nights that
she had laid quietly and comfortably in Paul’s arms.There had been thousands of those nights; she
had felt safe and loved with him and through his touch.She longed for his touch, to hear his
breathing and have it lull her into sleep and she laid there trying to find it
in her mind’s eye.Misty also knew that
she would never feel that again and she knew that what she had felt with him,
the chemistry that they had together could never be had with anyone else.Her mental diary was afloat with all that
they had done together and all that they had been and she prayed for sleep to
come so that she could live within the dream of her love for him.
Sleep didn’t come and neither did
Paul, he had left her in a way that her rational thoughts knew was
lasting.It wasn’t the rational thoughts
that Misty lived in now; it was the dreams and her imagination. She needed
them, just as much as she had needed Paul and she hung onto every thread in her
mind, weaving together his being as if he were real and there.She created their walks to the lake, their
lazy days on the beach and she created his arms around her.She closed her eyes and his scent filled her
nostrils as if he was beside her.
Misty was the only one there
however and she was beside herself in grief and pain.There was no smile to be had, and even
glancing over at his picture on her nightstand brought her to tears.She tried with diligence to speak to him
through that photo, but he did not answer, for he couldn’t.She touched his face with her fingers and
reminded him how deeply she loved him.She
thought about how he never really understood her love for him, nor did she
understand his for her.She wondered why
they loved each other so deeply and yet those words were left unsaid at the
end.
There were only tears that day,
uncontrollable sobbing fits and the inability to accept or recognize the fact
that Paul was gone.He wouldn’t be back
and her bed would forever remain empty, just as her heart would remain
irreparably broken.She shut down after
that day, partially out of self-preservation and partially because without Paul
she felt as if her heart was missing the second beat.He had completed her in many ways, given her
strength when she had none and made her laugh when she wanted to cry.She had fallen so deeply in love with him
that without him her life was meaningless.
Misty couldn’t find any meaning
in her loneliness and so she pulled the covers tighter up around her neck,
grabbing the picture of Paul off the night stand and bringing it under the
covers with her.It was senseless that
he was gone; it was senseless that he had left her like that.What few friends that she had left had
assured her that she would get over it and that the pain would lessen with
time, but Misty knew that wasn’t the case.She knew that she would never get over it and she knew that the hurt
inside her was too deep to repair.Misty
knew that the words, “what if”, would plague her until she was no longer.
Misty reached over and grabbed
for another tissue as the tears quietly rolled down her cheeks.The tears, at that moment, were the only
thing that reminded her of what she had lost of who she had lost.He had been her soul mate and she knew
that.She knew that in some way, even
though he did not want to admit it, Paul also knew that.He had hesitated to tell her he loved her, it
hadn’t been his style, but she knew that he did; he had shown her in many ways
and many times.But as the tears flowed
she thought about what the police officers said when they had knocked on the
door.The last words he had uttered as
they pulled him from the wreckage. At that moment in time, at that very second
that Paul knew he could never tell her himself he had asked the Medic to, “Tell
Misty I love her like I’ve loved no other.”And Misty knew that she too had loved him like she had and never would
love another.
