Sissy arrived at the airport early, she hated flying and was
really nervous about arriving at her destination in one piece; both physically
and emotionally. The past week had been rough for her, she had booked this
flight just yesterday and even as she laid her head on the pillow last night
she wasn't sure it was the right thing to do.
The night was long for Sissy, she tossed and turned, even waking
up in a cold sweat after having one of those dreams, the kind that make you
question reality and just where you are. She had argued with Jayme again right
before she went to sleep, the same kind of argument that they had been having
for the last year and a half. Sissy thought that maybe she shouldn't go, maybe
she should just give up and hang up on their relationship the way he had hung
up on her last night.
It was just the week before he had taken off for New York while
she was sleeping. It was another one of
his insecurities that made him run and Sissy, in response to his running again,
refused to talk to him. She was too hurt, too angry and she knew that if she
spoke to him her resolve would crumble; she would let him back into her heart.
She knew this because it was what had been happening for the last six months. Jayme
would get upset over something silly and he would run, but this last time was
very different, so different in fact that Sissy didn't know if she could or
would get past it.
Their initial conversation this time was nothing more than screaming.
Sissy felt frustrated, more than normal, and she needed to be heard. That was
Jayme's downside; his ears were always obscured by his mouth. It was impossible
for him to hear Sissy when all he did was talk. It seemed like he was so
obsessed with getting respect for himself that he forgot that it had to be
given to be received. Sissy certainly didn't feel as if Jayme respected her,
most of the time she felt like his chattel.
There was a moment as she walked through the passageway to board the
plane that Sissy thought about turning around, going back to her car and just
going home. She glanced over her shoulder to see how many people she would have
to cut through to get back to the terminal. She hung on to the railing that ran
the length of the passage, took a deep breath and steadied herself, thinking
that one deep breath would get her on the plane. The other passengers that were
boarding the flight passing her by, some just glancing in her direction while
others looked through her. She was in Zone 1 on this leg of the flight and she
knew she needed to decide quickly, so Sissy forced the courage to pick up her
feet and place them one in front of the other.
Once on the plane Sissy sat down and stowed her carry on under the
seat in front of her, it was all she brought with her this time. That one small
bag contained nothing more than the bare necessities. In part she thought that
her choice of luggage had signaled what her mind had already decided, and yet
she hung on to hope. She hoped that there would be more change in their
relationship than what she had packed in that small carry on. Her first flight
to New York had been very different, she had over packed, was prepared for all
the possibilities the relationship might hold. This was a bag of uncertainty, a
quick escape bag if need be.
Fastening her seat belt tightly, she again thought back to the
first flight to New York to meet Jayme. It seemed like eons ago, but it was
just a little over two years prior. She was full of excitement and anticipation
that day, looking forward to meeting Jayme after having spent weeks and endless
hours talking to him over the phone. This time was different and Jayme was
different, she was even different, but yet they were still the people that they
had been in the beginning. She began to think about all the things that had
happened this past year and how the difference in Jayme had begun to affect her
self-esteem.
Sissy wanted familiarity in her life, she needed consistency and
she had none of that with Jayme. One minute he was loving and caring and the
next he was a screaming loon. The things that angered him were things that
Sissy didn't see or feel and she didn't understand where they came from. Her
time with Jayme included such isolation from the world. Most days she didn't
want to leave her house because she worried that they would fight. In some ways
this suited her fine since she was a homebody, but there were times that it
annoyed her.
Annoyance became somewhat the hallmark of Sissy's face. People
often commented that she seemed tired or as if she wasn't feeling well. One
excuse after another would come from her lips, maybe because if she uttered the
words, let them cross her lips it would be like lava erupting from a volcano, burning
and destroying everything in its path. Sissy knew that she would just tuck her
feelings into her pocket and keep them there hidden from the world, she knew
that on the outside she would continue to be the clown, entertaining those
around her while all the while she was boiling inside.
The boiling emotions inside of Sissy wouldn't ease up this day for
she had a lot of things to think about, including changing planes. She knew she
had another chance to back out, that her connecting flight was at an airport
just three hours from home. She could rent a car there and drive home if she
needed to and that gave her some comfort. Jayme had promised her that he would
not yell or accuse her if she came, that he missed her and he wanted their relationship
to work. Sissy wanted desperately to believe him because she loved him. What didn't give her comfort were Jayme's
promises, she knew, from their past, that they were just words. Things he would
say but wouldn't be able to follow through on.
As the first leg of her flight ended Sissy worried that she
wouldn't make the connection. She had broken her foot a few weeks earlier and
was still hobbled by the pain and her connecting flight was scheduled to leave
in less than a half of an hour. She felt certain that missing that flight would
be a sign, one that would tell her to go home. Sissy looked for signs in
everything, something that would move her in a certain direction. She had been on the last seat on this flight
and thought that it had represented her relationship with Jayme, that she had
always taken a back seat to the pain in his life, that no matter how much she
loved him or how hard she tried to please him it wasn't enough to cure his
pain. So, Sissy waited for all the passengers to disembark from the flight,
just as she had waited for Jayme to see her for who she was, so that she could
make a mad dash for her connection.
Sissy had felt so connected to Jayme when they first met; just
like the two flights she was to take that day. It was a connection that would
bring them together. Their lives had been similar and yet very different, but they
were lives that led them down a path that would bring them together. She wanted
to be together with Jayme, the way they were in the beginning, to have that
passion again, to have him adore her and for her adoration of him to continue.
She thought about the fear of missing her connection again and for a brief
moment, as she hobbled towards her terminal, she thought about Jayme and how he
must feel somewhat like she did at that moment, fearful that if he did not
control her actions that he would miss his emotional connection to her.
Sissy had texted Jayme when the first leg of her flight landed and
let him know that she was rushing to make the connection. She knew that she
needed to make contact with him as soon as she figured out if she would be able
to get onto her flight. She had zigzagged through the airport narrowly avoiding
being run over by a transit car, taking escalators and walkways to make it on
time. As she reached the gate they were already boarding the flight and her
zone was being called. She knew she had made it, and for a split second she
thought about just sitting down and letting the plane take off. She was out of
breath, her foot hurt and she was an emotional wreck. Ultimately, it was the
thought of Jayme holding her that pushed her feet forward as she showed her
boarding pass.
Again, Sissy was in the back of the plane, a place she had now
gotten used to, but at least she was on a larger flight on this leg of her
journey and there wouldn't be another passenger overflowing into her seat,
something she hated even though she was thin, she just didn’t like other people
to infringe into her space. She leaned
up against the window, peering out into the abyss of her own thoughts. Tears
wanted to come to her and she held them back, they were tears of fear and
frustration. She didn't know how this would all pan out for her, their
relationship or Jayme. And though he didn't believe it, she loved him and was
concerned for him. His temper and anxiety were rooted deeply in his soul, at
first her love seemed to make him happy, but something had changed in him. His happiness seemed to be overshadowed by
thoughts that she could not control or change and it scared her for him and for
their relationship.
She sat there quiet throughout the entire flight, only glancing
over briefly at the elderly couple sitting next to her and noticed that the
gentleman was holding his wife's hand. That small act of reassurance sent her
further into her own pain and memories of how Jayme had been like that in the beginning.
She longed for that tenderness in him again, that side of him that was about
the love. There had been so much anger between them and she was hurt beyond any
hurt she had known before. It was hard for her to see past that, past the
accusations Jayme had made. He had promised her that if she got on this flight
that things would be different and that he wouldn't argue. She wanted so badly
to believe him, but her experiences told her that his pain, his past and all
the hurt he had felt wouldn't allow him to keep his promise to her. Her love for him drove her this time, it
overshadowed her fears and it gave her hope for she truly wanted to believe in
him. She wanted to believe that, as he had told her, they could get past this.
Her trust was starting to trail off, and Sissy knew that in her
heart; she knew that Jayme could only contain himself for so long. As the pilot
announced the impending landing Sissy looked out the window, trying to find a
familiar landmark in order to get her bearings, set her mind straight. She
struggled to see something, anything that would give her peace of mind, the
ability to relax. She couldn't find anything and the apprehension grew inside
of her to the point that she felt sick to her stomach. Her heart began to pound
as the wheels of the plane hit the ground and then a sense of relief as the
pilot announced a brief delay in getting to the gate. Sissy longed to see
Jayme, to feel his lips against hers and to know his love, but the fear inside
overwhelmed that desire.
As the plane slowly approached the gate the pilot announced that
passengers could use their phones. Quickly, Sissy turned on her phone and shot
a text to Jayme saying she was on the ground, but he already knew that, he had
been waiting for her, watching the leader boards for information about the
flight. That was the Jayme she knew and loved, the man that was full of
anticipation and hope. She thought back to a time he had told her that he slept
with hope and faith and she had jokingly laughed and asked him if it had been
at the same time. The thought of that day washed the apprehension away from
Sissy, for it was on that day that Jayme had given her the most passionate kiss
of her life. The thought of sharing another kiss like that with him, to feel
his soul and heart fill hers again was all she wanted from him.
Sissy's apprehension began to give way to anticipation, longing to
see the man that she adored. Her worries, as she exited the plane and walked
through the terminal, we're diminishing with every step she took. She finally reached the top of the escalator,
a place she was vaguely familiar with as it had been from that place nearly two
years ago that she first laid eyes on Jayme. She remembered thinking then how
handsome he was, how his beautiful heart had come through to his external being.
Today, as she stood atop the perch of the escalator she had that same feeling,
she knew why she loved him and she knew that she missed him. He smiled at her
as he caught her coming down to him and she at him as she was descending once
again into his arms. And just as she had two years prior, Sissy felt as if the
wings of her angel were wrapped around her, shielding her from the world.
Thank you Chris Pierce for the music.
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