Tish’s skin felt raw, almost like she had remained in the sun
way too long, there was a burning sensation to every inch of her body and yet
she had not seen the sun in days. She
had buried herself in her little apartment, unwilling to even talk to her friends
on the phone. Her life had been turned
upside down and she was trying her best to find a way, futile as it seemed at
the moment, to deal with the new circumstances that surrounded her, the
situation that had taken away her balance, keeping her from standing alone.
Always self-confident, full of grace and poised she was just
a lump these days, a lump of raw emotion that called for tears to fall from her
eyes with everything she saw around her.
Tish’s love for life was now replaced with her sense of mourning. She knew that time would heal her, that the
pain would ease, eventually she told herself, eventually this would pass and
she would be so sad. Yet, in the closed
in walls of her apartment she saw him everywhere, she felt him in the kitchen
as she washed her sole coffee cup, cried that there was now only one. It saddened her to know that his cup would,
just like her, never feel his lips again.
There would be no strong hand to hold it and the cup, like her just sat
there.
Everything reminded her that she was alone and that she was
sad, even the phone ringing. While the
sound of the ring would startle her and bring her back to reality, she didn’t
like the reality in which she was living.
She had stopped even answering the phone, she didn’t want to talk to
anyone, but every time the phone rang she heard his voice on the answering
machine, she could feel him there and see how silly he could be. The images stung her and caused her to shed
more tears than she had thought humanly possible. His voice had always made her melt, her heart
picked up beats and brought a smile to her face, she missed it and though she
knew she should change the greeting on the phone, she couldn’t let go of the
only thing that she had left of him that was alive, the constant reminder of
how silly he was. He had been her life
and now this was all she had left of him.
She missed every part of what her life had been just a few
short weeks ago, their walks and bike rides, the singing and car dancing; she
missed how he laughed at her and she at him.
They had a silly, yet enduring love, the type of love that is joyful and
fulfilling. Every day they found
something to laugh about or at and even when things were serious he tried to
make her smile; today however she felt so serious and there were no smiles, no
joy and no laughter, for without him she couldn’t find it. He was gone and his arms were not there to
hold her, reach under her shirt and find that spot that he only knew about, the
one that made her jump and laugh. Only
he knew that spot, just like only he knew how to kiss her, make her feel his
whole body through a simple gently placed kiss.
It was another thing that she missed, his kisses. He had kissed her with such reckless abandon
that it would make her stand up on her tip toes as if she was trying harder to
reach his lips, to feel him closer. He
had kissed her like that on their wedding day, in front of a whole church full
of people, it was a long hard kiss and she found herself that day hanging on to
it, to him for longer than she should; and as the crowd clapped she was
oblivious to them, to everything in the world but him. It was their day, yet a day that they decided
to share with friends and family. She
had wanted to simply run away and get married on a beach in private but he
would not allow it; wanting instead to share the way he felt about her with the
world. Despite her reservations about a
large wedding she had relented and given in to him and in the end she was glad
that she did, glad that there was a picture of that moment between them, and
even looking at it she could feel that kiss, feel him next to her, pulling her
into him as if on that one day they had begun to be one human being together.
Tish found herself wondering where he was now, what had
become of him, of his spirit. Was he
living within her, was he watching over her and guiding her or was he in a
vacuum in space someplace. She had many
questions that she could not answer, many feelings that she could not
justify. He had given her so much in her
life, they had created more together than she ever had imagined. She knew in her heart that he would want her
to focus on that, to see through the biggest thing that they, together through
their love and passion, had created. She
knew that life would continue without him, even though barely able to deal with
that prospect, she knew it to be the truth and to be fact.
So it was that Tish looked across the kitchen at the child,
their son, eating his pancakes. That had
been their legacy, the birth of their son was the biggest and brightest thing
that they had created. He looked like
his father, his smile and the way his eyes would light up when he was excited
and happy. Tish could tell that he
missed his daddy, that pancakes were their thing; the thing that they had done
every Sunday morning together. Now, it
was all that he would eat in the morning and she allowed it, just as she had
allowed him to come into her bed at night with her because it comforted him;
and it had also brought her closer to the only man she had ever loved.
She turned her back on her son at that moment, not wanting
him to see her tears. Her back against
the counter and her hands to her face, missing him and wanting him near
her. She whispered his name under her breath
and at that instant she felt it, his love and she knew he was there with
her. It was her child, who had climbed
upon the counter behind her that had placed his hands upon her cheeks and
whispered into her ear. His words were
his father’s words; his love was his father’s love as he said, “Daddy and I
love you, he told me.” Tish knew at that
moment that her one true love would always be there through their child and he
would forever remain in her heart and in the hands of her son.
"Words cannot express the depth of the love someone holds in their heart the same way that a single kiss does." (me 2015)
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